ive been using the past one wk to reflect on myself.

)=

then i realised, i was in the wrong for so long. i finally realised my mistake.

dear dear, if im given a 2nd chance, i would really treasure and nt be so stupid to repeat what ive done already. i regretted what ive done totally. sobs.

my thinking of life, marriages and family. they have changed. totally changed.

now all i want is to have him back in my life again. i'll do anything. even if it means getting my backache for the rest of life. hai.

deardear, are u there?

what am i trying so hard for?

why am i trying all my best to salvage it?

its because iloveyou.

and im holding on to those promises and dreams we have for each other.

but why arent u doing anything except avoiding me?

is it because you dun love me anymore? and ure giving up on all those promises that we've made but yet to fulfil?

it hurts me to see you like this.

*cries

hai, i dunwanna give up.

can u dun give up on me pls.

i'll be good i promise.

are u just going to avoid me forever?

every night i clasp my hands together and pray and pray.

i was so afraid that he would give up on me. soo afraid.

but ultimately, he still gave up.

hai, dear dear do u know how much i love you? )=

i dunno how to start this post.

well, its been almost a week that ive been living in hell, waiting for a ans or response, which i didnt get.

perhaps its time that i shud buck up and start living.

no ans nothing from him at all.

the disappointment, the anguish & of cuz the heartbreak - i really cant describe.

disappointed that we cant even talk things out. i know ure stressed, i wun wanna force u to be with me anymore. but i just wanna know the reason behind this. its too sudden, i dun think any normal girls can take it.

angry that im treated so unfairly. u say i should think in your position, so did you think of mine when u just walked off and leave everything for me to imagine?

heartbroken that our r/s cant even withstand this - and to think we even make plans for the future. hai. whenever i think of this, my heart really feels like its been torn apart.

i really didnt know whats the reason for all these - that u can even put down our r/s. it just shows that u aint concerned and placed no importance at all. what are all those promises and dreams for? im utterly disappointed and upset. (i did not use the word disgusted, cuz deep down in my heart, i still love you like before)

ive sorted out my thinking. my life will be back to normal soon i hope. (but i really pray that there will be a miracle still, thou i know its almost impossible).

hai, sad to know that things turned out like this, for whatever reasons i dunno. it just saddens me to see how we have changed from so close to so far.

nobody knows the pain in my heart.

the pain of she-bu-de.

i loved you, and love you still.

what does love mean to you?

to be precise, what does our love mean to you?

god, im suffering here. i haven felt like this for so long, and i tot i wouldnt have this feeling anymore. FUCK.!

the silence here at business centre is suffocating me.

i feel like vomitting. yet nothing came out.

i dunno is is my subconscious mind thinking or is it my health. sobs sobs.

i feel breathless.

im not as strong as u all think i am.

perhaps is because of the effort and love that ive put in.

i really dun wish to go thru a 2nd post-xavier-period again. im scared!

im glad that sy gave me a call. jing, i wun blame u! loveyou.

i know ppl will be tere to hold me if i fall. but if given a choice, i wouldnt wanna fall at all.

i feel so weak, after fri night. my gastric hasnt been very well after all the vomitting with only 4nuggets to tahan for 1day. when i walk, i can literally feel my energy level only at my ankles. but dun worry, i'll not faint. im starting to eat abit already. hai.

pls pray for me my friends. pray hard.

finally after 48hrs or so, i feel atad hungry and finally ate a small portion of food.

and im happy to say, i weigh 46kg now. (pls dun get it wrong, i wasnt on a diet. i just dun have the mood to eat or do anything)

which girl doesnt like her weight to be decreasing? okok, 45 is the max ok? (but i wouldnt mind 43 also)

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the long anticipated monday is coming. actually i already got the ans on sat. but i was just deceiving myself, to see if he would change his mind when i really give him a peace of mind to think it over. i didnt respect his decision of wanting a bit of time by himself. instead i kinda bombard him everynight. im really so so so sorry. i didnt really mean it. i was suffering every night and day, i let my emotions got the control of me. and in the end, i got the ans that i feared most.

i told him i'll give him a time to think it over. this time i mean it. but i was so afraid that he will still stick to his old decision. im really really very scared. its been some time since i have this fear in me. i regretted deeply what i did.

even thou i really wish that monday will be here soon, but if really he wants to tell me the ans, i think most prob i will just say no, u go and think it over pls. for as long as u like. im really very afraid to know the ans. hai.

ive stop eating, been sleeping alot cuz i feel v lethargic i dunno why.

but i keep having the runs.

whats wrong? )=

i just got a cut on my finger i dunno why also.

hai, why are all bad things coming to me?

i want the nivea cream that he bought for me, kept in his motor box.

i want him.. )=

does eating painkillers kill the pain in the heart?

doc told me i can eat them if i got any pain.

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the 3days seem to pass sooo slow.

it feels like im waiting for my results, my performance.

i started to have this fear within me. a fear that nobody could have shared with me.

if only, i was more understanding and not stubborn. if only, i could be in your shoes and think in your position.

if only if only. the things that ive done - i regreted again.

why cant i just seem to make things right? sobs.

i cant wait for monday to come, yet am terribly afraid of what may come.

i feel so insecure, but i still have to be strong and say im willing to change for you.

and i really mean it.

all i ask for is a second chance.

im not going to let you go.

just like our song./ have you forgotten?

what about the love and promises that we've shared.

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my back is alot better already. thanks to all.

last week i was still so in pain, walking around like a pregnant lady, with my hands tucked on my waist (like as if my tummy is very very big lidat).

really cannot tahan anymore, so beg the doctor to give me 2days mc. hahaha. and so went to the sinseh and have a look.

goodness, treatment was just a miserly short 5mins, but was enough to send me ouch-ing and yelling already. after that, it really feels alot alot alot better.

hai, but now the pain is gone, im kinda not used to it. afterall, it has been with me for almost a month ok! and ive sort of gotten used to the pain. though its painful whenever i try to move, but i lovee the pain. (im so 'jian')

so im not taking very good care of my back now, so it might have a high possibility of coming back. ;p

im willing to sacrifice.

if theres no sacrifices, theres no gain.

either one of us need to stop and step back, its either u or me.

im willing to do that for the love i had for you.

i just want a happy relationship, occasional arguements i understand.

but ultimately, it still will be a lovely and happy r/s.

i love you!

stuck between my fantasy & what is real

life's sucha bore.

i feel alone sometimes. i know some ppl are going thru rougher patches than me. but i feel LONELY!

i feels like im single yet unavailable. in love yet being ignored and neglected.

was it me that expect too much? or was it you whos really helpless?

why am i not able to feel my importance in you? why is it that whenever i throw a tantrum, im always in the wrong? have it ever occured to you, if you have showered me with more love and attention, i wouldnt even be losing my temper over every small little things? hai.

why is it that we need to wait till being together for 1yr plus, then we wanna decide if we want to continue or not. if given a choice to end, i would rather not start in the 1st place.

cuziknowireallyloveyou.

everybody is copying me. changing their blog add to their names. NO ORIGINALITY!

hmm, its time i changed my email address also.

aza.87 sounds so kin-na!

most probably will change to aza.leas. hehehe

but change email so leychey leh. need to update so many things. )=

well, we'll see how. stay tuned ok!

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u know yesterday, i met this headhunter in a very-cramped-9pm train.

lol, he tried to catch my attention by smsing on his hp & showed it to me.

'hi, are u in sales & marketing? im a headhunter, looking for.....'

i was like 'huh? WTH?'

so inside the very-cramped-9pm train, we started talking and he gave his namecard, asked me to email him my CV. hohoho!

he mentioned one thing which kinda left a deep impression on me. as in most guys wouldnt say that!

him: 'oh so i'll be waiting for your email some time this week?'

me: nodded my head and smile

him: 'you dun have to give me a call.! just drop me an email will do.'

hmm, did i even say i wanted to call u in the 1st place? hahaha!

ok, not a bad guy. i will email him my CV some time probably this week. im leaving my job soon anyway. (okay okay, next yr)

ive been drinking for the past few days. im not guilty at all.

i feel good and addicted. im waiting for that day, when im really dead drunk and happy. (kylieeee)

it feels good to numb myself. to keep myself from thinking of the negative stuffs. (theres no good things for me to think abt)

went shiraz with irene joanne kylie and her friend joreen. we were shisha-ers that night. shall post pics up very soon.

went dempsey quarubar with cuzzie. very chilling and jazzy. shall post pics up very soon also.

went pasir ris (i dunno the bar name, summer breeze??) with weeee! RELAX! very very relax. well, so relax that u'll feel moody when u think of the harsh reality. no pic, so nth to post up.

went clinic with kath. to gossip abt work and chillout. to get past the boring night. no pic, so nth to post up also.

i feel so bored and empty. )=

p/s. Jing are u okay in BKK? i heard they're in a state of emergency. im so worried for you. shit, i forgot when ure coming back. GIVE ME A CALL! SOBS.

why does he always make me feel like im not important in his life?

why do i always get the feeling that its the same with or without me?

why is it that he cant reply me with a sweet sms sometimes?

am i wrong to feel insecure? am i wrong to be upset when uve got no time for me?

am i wrong to feel disappointed whenever i send u sth sweet, only to get nth in return? not even a reply from you?

its so hard. soooo hard to maintain a relationship. im so afraid that we will really become stagnant one day and just go our separate ways.

hai, i feel so foolish and stupid blogging this out. i need to talk. i need to let out.

HAPPY 21ST MY DARLING KING!

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE ONLY YOU WOULD DABIAN WITH ME BEFORE EXAMS AT VINS TOILET! (does it sound familiar? heehee)

its really a happy thing that we sat next to each other on our 1st day and u started telling me about ur lame jokes. im really really glad that we became such good friends after that. everything that u did for me, im sooooo touched! and ure so small, that i cant help but want to protect u from every bully on the streets. its good to see that uve grow up in aussie and have learn how to protect urself. BUT STILL, WHEN U COME BACK TO SPORE, I'LL BE THE ONE TO PROTECT U!

I SO SO SO LOVE YOU DARLING. when u feel bored, or when am ditch u for mel, call me!