Just had a fight this morning. Maybe I should really treasure my time with him now Because when she is out, I guess it's normal to be down-ranked and the world doesn't revolve just around me n him anymore.

I don't ask for being the 1st, Because I don't wish to be disappointed. But sometimes the thought of not being the 2nd anymore hurts. I tried to not be like in the past, so dependent n falling head over heels Because I don't wish to be hurt again. Once is enough. He always asked if I still love him. I do, I still miss him when he's not by my side at night, I still love the days when it's just us out for date nights. But things are so different now. We do not have that burning passion. It's all responsibility and commitment that matters now.

Marriage sucks. If there is really everlasting love, I think marriage will destroy it.

一个人的自己

I love being independent sometimes for some matters. People see me as being stubborn, but I just wish to be by myself. If I can depend on myself, why should I bother or trouble people?

I love going to the airport and take the plane myself. 

I love going shopping by myself (If I have alot of money and alot of stuffs to buy)

I love being at home by myself sometimes. 

Sometimes I would love going to the cinema and watch a movie by myself (I haven try that)

Sometimes, maybe I would love going to hospitals or clinics by myself (If I am not too weak to go by myself)

我喜欢我自己的一个人生活 how about you?

How much is your love?

How long can one survive with just love? ETERNAL is bullshit. Too many external parties are here to destroy and weaken the relationships. If you can stay strong, good for you. If not, good bye.

THERE IS NO SOLUTIONS

Hello hello, well its been coming to one and a half years of marriage life. Not sure if Im still adapting well or, trying to at least. 

Well, to be frank, I am still not comfortable and "carefree" staying together. I need the freedom and the space. Yes, I know that is not possible so yes I need to suck it in. So stop asking me why am I unhappy. Its just so difficult to stay together and get used to one another's living habits. ITS HARD. I tried, but I still am not happy. Maybe Im just hard to satisfied. 

I dont like how she always ask me to greet people. I GREETED and I will greet. There is no need for unnecessary reminders like this. 

I dont like how I do not have the freedom to walk "freely" in my room.

I dont like how I must often cramped my toes when I walked into the kitchen & toilet and most of the times have to rinse the toilet bowl cover before I can sit down & do my business.

I dont like how I have to interact with the kids once a year or so. 

I dont like how when I opened the fridge and all I see are mess and uncovered food and maybe some expired cans. 

I dont like how tables are always cluttered with unopened / opened letters and chips and all sorts of mess. 

Cant really list down what else but yes there sure is. I am not perfect and I have my own bad points too. I guess its just the different living habits and the conditions that I was brought up.

I love him, and I only wanted to marry him. Not the whole kampong. 

It isnt all bad staying together la. I mean yes la, there's good times but I can do away with these good points just to get my freedom lo. 

Sometimes when I wanted to talk to him about how I feel, Im afraid he'll find me childish and ridiculous. Like hello?! There is seriously no solutions, so whats the point in talking about it ley? End up only both of us unhappy. I rather I'll be the unhappy one since all along I am that girl who is always unhappy about everyone and everything. So let it be lo.

Okay end of rant.

They left in 2012

Missing those who left me in 2012 to be up in heaven. 

I miss you guys.

WATCH out

Komono Bond - Black & Zebra looks good

Nixon The Re-Run

Komono Wizard Print Series - Leopard

Nixon The Small Player

WHICH ONE?

The shield

Maybe its really at the wrong time? Times like this makes me think if we are making the right decision. 

Yup, I agree the love is there, but sometimes there's just too many factors to consider. 

What do you think?

Its finally time?

Time to let go? 

I know la, I shouldnt be selfish, since he has found his happiness. But still cannot hide my sadness when I saw that picture. Like suddenly kena shaken awake. Okok, I know Im the one who gave up, so cannot blame anyone but me. But the one who gave up first doesnt mean the love is not there anymore mah. 

Super sad but have to feel happy for him like how he feel happy for me that time. Afterall, no turning back what. We have all made our choices, haven we? 

Was it a one-sided thing all the time that I wanted to contact? Ok la, I know Ive asked alot of times about this question and all the time the answer is no. But how nice if I can be reassured at times like now. Though I know its not my business anymore and he has no obligations to care at all, let alone reassurance. RIGHT?

He's the kind who stays v faithful. 好好男人, thats how I always describe him. Till now, impression still remains. 

Sometimes I wonder if its wrong to give him up for uncle low. I know for sure he can be there for me when I need him,  I know he will be caring towards me though sometimes he does has his 臭脾气. And I know he will love me for as long as we are together. But since I said until so nice about him, why did I give him up in the first place then?

Ive never really shared this story, maybe with just one or two bestest friends.

You know sometimes when you wanted something so badly, you couldnt get it? And then something else came along, and you think, "eh also not bad ley!" 

Not that I am substituting or using him. But at that point of time, it really helps if you have someone to fall back on. And I did told him beforehand, I cant forget uncle low yet. He was patient with me. He stood by me. And I think I fell in love with him bit by bit. It was short, but we had it all in one relationship. We had romantic times by the beach, we had happy times just hanging around, we had sour times when his temper was bad and I was stubborn and we had shy times when we would email each other about our feelings when we couldnt talk it out. I love how he would always kissed me when we are on the escalator. (Yah I know very kiddish but I dont care) and how he would always cuddle me. 

I know Im sucha bitch, we were not even really together at that point of time. Cause all along I was waiting for uncle low. I keep thinking that he will be back for me. Eventually he really came back for me, and I left him. I KNOW la I am such a bitch. 

人人往往都是要失去才会懂得珍惜。失去了才知道。

Im not saying I am regretting being with uncle low now. I love uncle low too. But sometimes you just will stop and think, if things were different now, would I be much happier? 

Anyway hor, whats over is over. Ive moved on, and he has moved on also. I just hoped those promises we made are still in place. Priorities changed, as long as we are not forgotten, Im contented. 

Blessings to you. xoxo Metal Boy

Color color colors

Whee, last post was 2 months ago! Anyway, Ive been dying to color my hair like this:

Even hubby xiaozhu also having this kind of coloring + my all time fave leopard prints! :)  ♥

 

So purple or red? or pink? Isit nice?

Seriously cant wait for 舞极限 to come to SG! Gonna be nice I know. You nv fail to disappoint!

Yet another one taken away

I never thought my next entry after my previous post was another death news of my dear friend, Razi. 

Razi, the cheeky guy whom I got to know in Marina Mandarin. Being the youngest in Concierge team, he was keen in learning and always being pampered by everyone. 

I didnt get a chance to really work and talk with him till I was down at the reception for 1 month. We became quite close and started making fun at each other whenever we see other. Soon after, he left the hotel for his NS. 

I am not sure when did he leave for Brunei training, guess it should be late last year cause he couldnt make it when I invited him to my wedding last December. But I remembered promising that I will attend his wedding with Iffah. 

It came as a shock that Sunday evening when ahpiao texted me about his missing news. My first reaction was "Not him la!!" I didnt know his full name. And maybe a part of me was in denial state as well till ahpiao app me his photo in his army uniform showing his full name. That moment was the beginning of a 2-day ordeal. I prayed and wished hard that he will be saved, and that he would be alright, coming back to celebrate Hari Raya with all his loved ones. 

No, it didnt came true. The next morning when I woke, news of him missing has already spread like fire. All of the MM colleagues started praying and hoping for the best. I keep telling myself no news is good news. But by the end of the day, I could no longer hold on to the hope anymore. It has been more than 24 hours. How could anyone have survived in the river, with crocodiles threats some more, for close to 36 hours? If he had been swept to shores, I am sure the rescue team would have found him. I was prepared for the worst. Part of me wished that he wasnt eaten by the crocodiles, another part of me wished that he was still alive.

That night, I am sure everyone went to bed with a heavy heart. I prayed to all kind of gods that I know to keep him alive, safe and sound. 

The next morning when I opened my eyes, I received a text from Siti.. "His body has been found. But he has left us.."

My heart dropped to the ultimate. Tears started flowing out, I dunno what to do. I lost a friend. Just like that. And I haven even recover from the loss of moffy from last month. Why is all these happening? 

Attended his funeral yesterday. I couldnt control my tears when I saw him being buried. He's only 20, why take him away? 

Ｉ love this photo of him. But I couldnt stop tearing whenever I see it. Razi, I'll definitely miss you. Im glad we met each other in our lives. You are a hero. Now bring strength to Iffah and your family. Always in my heart. 

RIP LCP Muhammad Fahrurrazi Bin Salim