why have i changed to such a different person? that me myself is also scared of seeing what has become of me.

i rem i was once a young girl, dreaming of becoming a teacher when i grow up one day. i cried when i entered nursery on the 1st day. i was studious in pri sch, and i always had a storybook with me. like every normal girls, i played with barbie dolls, polly pockets, digimons and tamagotchi-s.

when i entered sec sch, even though i became abit lazy, but i still studied hard. Studies was the 1st in my priority. i even cried when i got into the 'last' class during streaming in sec 2. nonetheless, i studied hard and top my class in sec 3 & 4. it was also in sec sch that i had my first r/s. everything was sweet then. though i had a few failed r/s, but it doesnt bother me at all cuz i was the one who initiated it. i dunno why but my feelings just fade after some time. perhaps i was still playing ard at tt time.

entered into the poly of my choice, got the course that i wanted. studies still come first, but i didnt view it as important anymore. i studied cuz i wanted to get my diploma. i became even more lazy. lazy to attend lectures, and sometimes i even skipped my morning tutorials.

(i can say that poly life really made me change alot).

i was only 17yrs old when i had my first thinking of wanting to die. not because of anything major that happened to me or my family. or rather, it was one of my close friend in poly. it all happened out of the blue, and i just got taken aback by everything that had happened. and i was also experiencing a failed r/s at that point of time (which i can say is different from the previous ones that i had, even thou it was VERY SHORT r/s).

it just suddenly hit me that i dun wanna live anymore! whats the point of living when ive got no purpose in life, no goals to achieve and no motivation? i felt so damn lost. and it so happened that my clique were also having the same feelings as me. so we kinda bonded even more.

this feeling has been with me ever since tt day, till now.

graduated and so continue to work full time in the hotel that i went internship at. met new guy, had a new r/s and in the end, it ended also.

as a working adult now, things have changed drastically. i started to spend more on unneccessary items, smoke, drink and do everything (of course except touching drugs). i cant cry into my mom's arms whenever i encountered any problems and hope that she will settle for me like when i was young. i cant throw a tantrum and say i dun wanna work anymore. i cant express myself freely compared to when i was a child, when i can just cry when im sad or troubled.

i just seemed to feel heavier and heavier load on me. more shit, more stress, more burdens, more troubles. i was once a happy girl. now, its so difficult to find the word 'happy' in my dictionary. i cant say im unhappy always, but im just not happy. even more so during this period. everything just come and go. one problem after another.

this is never ending. its endless. sometimes i feel so weak that i feel like ending my own life. im not into depression, cuz i still know what im thinking. and i know even if i got depression, nobody can help me, not even the docs. i cant rely on their medication forever!

its really sad to see myself becoming like this. i dun used to smoke, or go out with any guys. i dun used to swear alot. i dun used to wanna die.

but i dunno why, this is the azaleas now.