hmm, i dunno how to start this post. dunno what to write.

i was reading thru my friendster blog yesterday. i realised im back to those depressed mode. or has it been the same all the while? it get so depressing and demoralising. hai.

theres this entry that i wrote on 15th June 2005! part of it was "i realised today. ever since secondary4, my life has been changing. so much so much. from the once beautiful rainbow, the different 7 colours. . to now, yellow and grey. i believe its gonna be black & white few months down the road." -and i think it came true.

sobs. i wanna go. i wanna go away. bring me to a faraway placee.

i dunno why i suddenly got the feeling of becoming a mom.

actually had it for a few wks already. the feeling just suddenly came, which kind of surprise me as well. cuz i nv tot i'll ever had this feeling.

it just amazed me at how your baby can start growing in your stomach and become bigger day by day. and at a certain point of time, you can even feel it kicking and moving.

and when the baby is born, all the fuss over to take care of him.

i dunno la, im just very amazed at the growing up process. its really v happy to see your child growing up day by day. making his first crawl, his first few steps and first few words. and yrs later, they will grow up to enter school. you will slowly see them grow up to become adults and etc. its just a wonderful feeling.

but im too tired to wait for tt day. i hate to live!

im back (unfortunately).

i was supposed to unwind myself and have a getaway. instead this trip brought back so much memories. i really dunno what to do with myself.

hai, i felt so sick now. i think its the cab on my way home. heavy jam and taxi smell.

luckily im still on my leave tml.

pics will be uploaded at a later date. cuz the cable is with my sis.

i miss smoking in the cold wind. )=

leaving in another 7hrs time.

i hope i dont come back.

but not for my friends of course.

love them.

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so badly wanted this yr to end fast.

i'll be spending xmas and new yr alone. I WILL NOT CELEBRATE.

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jing, i dunno what is happening but i really have been eating. i just weigh and it shows 47. NOT MY FAULT. pls cont to be my friend and meet me ok? i love you too much.

why have i changed to such a different person? that me myself is also scared of seeing what has become of me.

i rem i was once a young girl, dreaming of becoming a teacher when i grow up one day. i cried when i entered nursery on the 1st day. i was studious in pri sch, and i always had a storybook with me. like every normal girls, i played with barbie dolls, polly pockets, digimons and tamagotchi-s.

when i entered sec sch, even though i became abit lazy, but i still studied hard. Studies was the 1st in my priority. i even cried when i got into the 'last' class during streaming in sec 2. nonetheless, i studied hard and top my class in sec 3 & 4. it was also in sec sch that i had my first r/s. everything was sweet then. though i had a few failed r/s, but it doesnt bother me at all cuz i was the one who initiated it. i dunno why but my feelings just fade after some time. perhaps i was still playing ard at tt time.

entered into the poly of my choice, got the course that i wanted. studies still come first, but i didnt view it as important anymore. i studied cuz i wanted to get my diploma. i became even more lazy. lazy to attend lectures, and sometimes i even skipped my morning tutorials.

(i can say that poly life really made me change alot).

i was only 17yrs old when i had my first thinking of wanting to die. not because of anything major that happened to me or my family. or rather, it was one of my close friend in poly. it all happened out of the blue, and i just got taken aback by everything that had happened. and i was also experiencing a failed r/s at that point of time (which i can say is different from the previous ones that i had, even thou it was VERY SHORT r/s).

it just suddenly hit me that i dun wanna live anymore! whats the point of living when ive got no purpose in life, no goals to achieve and no motivation? i felt so damn lost. and it so happened that my clique were also having the same feelings as me. so we kinda bonded even more.

this feeling has been with me ever since tt day, till now.

graduated and so continue to work full time in the hotel that i went internship at. met new guy, had a new r/s and in the end, it ended also.

as a working adult now, things have changed drastically. i started to spend more on unneccessary items, smoke, drink and do everything (of course except touching drugs). i cant cry into my mom's arms whenever i encountered any problems and hope that she will settle for me like when i was young. i cant throw a tantrum and say i dun wanna work anymore. i cant express myself freely compared to when i was a child, when i can just cry when im sad or troubled.

i just seemed to feel heavier and heavier load on me. more shit, more stress, more burdens, more troubles. i was once a happy girl. now, its so difficult to find the word 'happy' in my dictionary. i cant say im unhappy always, but im just not happy. even more so during this period. everything just come and go. one problem after another.

this is never ending. its endless. sometimes i feel so weak that i feel like ending my own life. im not into depression, cuz i still know what im thinking. and i know even if i got depression, nobody can help me, not even the docs. i cant rely on their medication forever!

its really sad to see myself becoming like this. i dun used to smoke, or go out with any guys. i dun used to swear alot. i dun used to wanna die.

but i dunno why, this is the azaleas now.

goodness. yesterday was a crazy monkey night. really crazy.

celebrated jing's 21st. we booked hotel 81 to spend our lonesome night together. (din take alot of pics, but will post some up shortly)

started dinner without me at bugis with yx (yes, she's back!) and jieying (the porcelain beauty).

when i reached, we just went straight back to the hotel and start our small chilling session (some jap wine plus jap cheese cake & tidbits).

jy & yx left at abt 11. jing & i went clarke quay clinic at abt 12.

she siao ok, ordered a graveyard follow by a lychee martini. GRAVEYARD SERIOUSLY SUCKS. i still stick to my long island tea (=

clinic closed at 1thirty, so we moved on to boat quay where i had my bar-chor mee (seriously regretted eating, will let u know the reason later).

all the pubs there were closing by the time i finished my bar-chor mee, left with this pub call the 12th element. OPEN TILL 6AM DAILY LO. cool man! boss is only 19 can! so we went in lo.

initally abit weird cuz only 2 of us, then after tt we got to know some ppl there (who apparently is the boss's friends la), so joined them for drinks lo. stupid guy, try to eat my tofu. haven even know me for 2hrs lo. (i dun mean u can anyhow eat my tofu after dunno how many hrs la!). thank goodness im still conscious and know what im doing lo. asshole.

me & jing ordered a jug of vodka lime (niceee). had alil martell green tea too. then came the waterfall ordered by the guys for jing's bday. god ok! the kick came shortly after. i didnt drink la. after this still ordered beer mix with martell. WTH. jing eventually puke everything out! damn smelly ok! even though tipsy, still got to clean the mess up for her. I TOLD U, I WILL LOOK AFTER YOU!

it wasnt until 7am then we reached the hotel. the nice taxi guy is sooo good i tell you. he waited to see us go into the hotel safely before he drives off.

then my turn to puke in the hotel. fucked man! feel damn xinku. and all my bar-chor mee came out! (which is why i say i regretted eating). so damn smelly, and i think i saw the mushroom come out la! then i started crying again. HAI. both of us collapse in the hotel and die!

the other day at parkroyal beach, celebrating ky's 23rd bday.

hotel was quite cheap, cuz we hoteliers always manage to know all those cheapo stuffs (like whr to get cheap room rates and blah blah blah). all thanks to irene teo this time.

took a damn hell lot of pics.

me & irene c/i first without ky cuz she has got sth to attend to. first thing we did after c/i was to sleep.

after 1hr of our beauty sleep

can see my puffiness in my eyes lo. NOT ENOUGH SLP!

i still have nice eyes despite my puffiness one ok!

finally tt bday girl came & we went off to novena ZHEN FA for steamboat buffet!

oh yes oh yes, our room number! #458. 4D this weekend lucky number - 0458! (by goddess aza)

before going out, purposely bring ky to view the pool. and we spotted this magnificent place where we can see the spore flyer! and sunset time so niceee!

after dinner, waiting for bus to go marina mandarin meet jess. YES STRAIGHT AFTER DINNER, WE ARE MEETING HER FOR SUPPER. we are such yao guis, cant stand. LOL

while waiting for jess..




playing a fool in MM's lift

after supper with jess, was damn shag already (and we haven even started drinking yet)

i ji-tao head to the bed when we reached the hotel, even without bathing lo.

they're too bored so they started taking pics with a live zombie (which is none other than yours truly)

finally some zillion yrs, i crawled out of bed and washed up. (YES, i still did not bathe)

tada, so refreshed. our drinking session started shortly.

as you can see from this pic, the look on irene's face.

so after this, she immediately went to the toilet and be merlion. so smelly ok! summore plus she laosai. oh my god can.

rest of the night left me & ky only. irene KO shortly after she came out of the toilet.

so bored, and we fell asleep soon after.....

teehee, not my fault! next morning, they find my very-protruding-&-outstanding butt getting in their way. irene got no space to slp except that small lil space u see below. LOL.

we managed to get FOCLCO till 1500hrs, so we head to the very nice pool for a dip!

lian-ti baby! ok, im the elder sister cuz im taller.


reached the room and i think kylie suggested a sexy pose contest. -_-''

so here goes,

F1 - Irene Teo

F2- Kylie Chow

Tada F3 - Azaleas Loh

c/o after bathing and went late lunch with irene before going back home!

i dunno why ive become so irresponsible ever since.

i just dun have the mood or urge to go work everyday, all the more if i know he's off or on mc or on leave.

theres just no motivation for me to go there anymore.

i took urgent leave and mc for nothing, just because i dun feel like going work. and my boss is making me go mad and stress. sobs. i feel sucha failure.

i cant wait for this yr to end. i wanna leave this place. i wanna throw away all the memories and start afresh. im so miserable. nobody will know how i feel, unless uve been thru it yourself. sobs

i dun mean to make myself sound like a victim in this broken r/s, or to gain sympathy from anyone thru my entries below. (afterall, this is MY blog, and the only place whr i can share my thoughts & feelings).

he's not a bastard nor a jerk (u dunno the full story!!).

im not saying these because i still love him, but its because the others really dunno what exactly happened.

it takes 2 to tango. no one is entirely at fault or no fault. all i can say is i was a stubborn one, and theres no proper communication channel.

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it gets abit scary to see so many unknown ppl tagging suddenly. how on earth do they get my address?

first, theres this 'me./'. then came 'Passerby!' and 'sSsLiNgsSs'. WHATS HAPPENING?

but i got this gut feeling 'Passerby!' is someone i know. Nobody calls me aza unless they are my friends. hai.

its terrible. i feel terrible, miserable and horrible.

my messy tots are back to haunt me again.

i feel like a zombie inside me. everything inside has died.

i really dun wanna feel like this. i wanna be happy and live my dreams.

but why am i still feeling this way after one month?

ive been trying to keep myself busy to stop thinking, to not have any spare time to have other thoughts. i feel like just collapsing one day and just die like tt. I WANNA DIE.

my heart really hurts/.

if only i could fall asleep for good.

im tired.

The news came as a shock to me.

I was doing my nails while watching the news. And few mins later, yy called and tell me the victim could be antonio's bro. (erm, well it was confirm later on in the night).

Hai, how come theres this sudden toll in healthy NS men dying without any reasons. It just kinda freaks me out. We dun used to have this kind of news happening in the past, right?

RIP, Pte Joe Foo.

hai, im back.

no i did not mia or disappear or vanish or die.

im still kicking alive (unfortunately).

well well well. too tired to blog recently. mentally and physically tired (to the extreme).

ive been telling myself whats over is over, aza.

whats the point of still hanging on, and making yourself miserable and terrible?

you still have friends and family around you.

i'll be fine, i promise.

and ive been eatingg! so no worries ok?

current weight now is 48.2 (which was measured 1day ago).

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its always at difficult times when u really know your true peeps.

i really appreciate that everyone has been spending time with me, making sure that im eating and not crying etc. deep down in my heart i swear.

special thanks to jing, am, sy, cutie, serene, kylie, irene, jess, baby jon, chuchu and bob (basically these are the only friends i have). im still surviving dun worry. its hard, but i need / will have to move on.

love you truck loads.